I live in a town where everyone thinks they are better than the Safeway guy. You know, the one that scans your tampons? The superior housewife whose skills are limited to the tennis court, the husband who knows where the wine isle is but won't admit that's where he buys it.
My Safeway is amazing! We have a sushi bar, we have a huge organic isle, lactose/hormone/dairy free everything. Our butcher, yes, I said butcher, actually knows how to cut meat. Our bakery makes bagels, which, dare I say, are good.
My Safeway has clean floors, a produce guy that knows how to pick a peach, a bag boy that will help you to you car and a service desk that will take returned cheese because it went bad before it's time.
My Safeway has customers that are embarrassed to be seen there because it is not Whole Foods. They actually complain to the headquarters when the store has run out of their brand of Greek yogurt. There have been town meetings dedicated to discussing the isle size at Safeway because the kiddie carts were too hard to steer. There have been whole dinner party conversations regarding the deli counter workers who don't kiss the patrons ass.
I went for a run yesterday and saw my favorite Safeway checker... He was having espresso at the local coffee shop, conversing in Italian (1 of the 5 languages he knows) and recounting the last marathon he ran in under 3 hours.
We have an air of superiority that is undeserved. I can't tell you the last time I busted out my broken high school french or even dreamed of a run so fast. I can however pick out one hell of a peach, thanks to Sam.
I hope all the Safeway workers get together and laugh at their patrons, me included. Take your own bags to the car, learn to navigate a cart or try a different brand of yogurt for 1 week. Fucking say "Thank you" and kiss their ass! We are lucky as hell to not be shopping at the dented can food warehouse.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
stop the insanity
No seriously.... stop it. You know who you are, you can't see me because your cars are covered in paint this time of year, you can't hear me because your excessive cheering has burst an eardrum... yes, i know, you "said a boom chicka boom". You can't feel me because you are strapped inside your big ass suburban weighted down with a 50 lb cut out of a plywood shark on the roof rack. Now do you know who you are? Yes, the "recreational" summer swim team parent... please come over so we can talk.
Let's call this a "team meeting" shall we, put you all at ease, I'll even teach you a cheer so you aren't left out of your kids experience. Please make sure you bring your wallet, these thoughts aren't free and if you are willing to pay 35 bucks to put feathers in your child's hair at a meet then you can at least buy me a cup of coffee.
We'll do it this way, everyone stand up. If I say anything that does not pertain to you, you may leave the room, I will stop talking when no one is left.
1... You are swimming on a recreational summer swim team, please relax. If you want your kid to have a lollipop don't make him "pop his time" for it. That is just wrong. Drop 50 cents on a Blow Pop.
2... No, a new 80 dollar high-tech suit will not make your 6 year old fly, as a matter of fact, he shouldn't even know fly, he is 6, he should still be eating flies.
3... If your child cannot read, he should not know what the letters H and L stand for when written on his hand in Sharpie. He should also not ask the timer for his time, have a temper tantrum or watch his parent have one if he didn't swim faster than last time.
4... I am so glad your child swam a fast race and was THIS close to an "A" time. But, she is 8 and if you put her in private lessons the week before her last meet to speed her up you are just asking for a bulimic perfectionist in a few years. Buy her a donut and call it a day.
5... Please don't bribe your child to swim in a meet when she is 7 and has no interest. And really, an IPad? She can use it to find a therapist because you are just crazy.
6... A swim meet is a place to swim, cheer, and have fun, team spirit is awesome for the kids. Parents yelling out "Beat lane 5" is not the attitude we are shooting for.
7... Since when do ribbons go to the color puce and place 64? Blue, red, white.. that's what I remember... we are not all good at everything, not at 9 or 39.
8... Your child is there to swim and have fun, there is really no need for all of your electronic devices from home. Can't hunter wait 3 hours to play his DS? Can't Riley play with her friends instead of getting henna tattoos in the parking lot?
9... Please don't relive your aquatic career, or lack thereof, through your child. I know you swam at UCLA, now that there is Google I also know you sucked so, quit trying to play it off.
10... Don't make your kids swim 6 other months out of the year just to cut them off so they can still be eligible for summer league. You are fooling no one. We know they are not that naturally talented or improved over last year and that the effort cost you thousands. And please don't do this if you don't have the money to donate to the school system either, that just pisses me off.
11.. Is anyone still here? why yes, quite a few of you actually... okay, then can we talk about the shaving down of a 7 year old boy?
12... You know what? Let's just say this, all my west coast crazies, you are turning into those psycho southern pageant moms. Sunscreen instead of spray tan but that's the only difference. You want a "boom chicka boom"? I've got one for you. "I said a sit down and shut up and have a little fun."
Let's call this a "team meeting" shall we, put you all at ease, I'll even teach you a cheer so you aren't left out of your kids experience. Please make sure you bring your wallet, these thoughts aren't free and if you are willing to pay 35 bucks to put feathers in your child's hair at a meet then you can at least buy me a cup of coffee.
We'll do it this way, everyone stand up. If I say anything that does not pertain to you, you may leave the room, I will stop talking when no one is left.
1... You are swimming on a recreational summer swim team, please relax. If you want your kid to have a lollipop don't make him "pop his time" for it. That is just wrong. Drop 50 cents on a Blow Pop.
2... No, a new 80 dollar high-tech suit will not make your 6 year old fly, as a matter of fact, he shouldn't even know fly, he is 6, he should still be eating flies.
3... If your child cannot read, he should not know what the letters H and L stand for when written on his hand in Sharpie. He should also not ask the timer for his time, have a temper tantrum or watch his parent have one if he didn't swim faster than last time.
4... I am so glad your child swam a fast race and was THIS close to an "A" time. But, she is 8 and if you put her in private lessons the week before her last meet to speed her up you are just asking for a bulimic perfectionist in a few years. Buy her a donut and call it a day.
5... Please don't bribe your child to swim in a meet when she is 7 and has no interest. And really, an IPad? She can use it to find a therapist because you are just crazy.
6... A swim meet is a place to swim, cheer, and have fun, team spirit is awesome for the kids. Parents yelling out "Beat lane 5" is not the attitude we are shooting for.
7... Since when do ribbons go to the color puce and place 64? Blue, red, white.. that's what I remember... we are not all good at everything, not at 9 or 39.
8... Your child is there to swim and have fun, there is really no need for all of your electronic devices from home. Can't hunter wait 3 hours to play his DS? Can't Riley play with her friends instead of getting henna tattoos in the parking lot?
9... Please don't relive your aquatic career, or lack thereof, through your child. I know you swam at UCLA, now that there is Google I also know you sucked so, quit trying to play it off.
10... Don't make your kids swim 6 other months out of the year just to cut them off so they can still be eligible for summer league. You are fooling no one. We know they are not that naturally talented or improved over last year and that the effort cost you thousands. And please don't do this if you don't have the money to donate to the school system either, that just pisses me off.
11.. Is anyone still here? why yes, quite a few of you actually... okay, then can we talk about the shaving down of a 7 year old boy?
12... You know what? Let's just say this, all my west coast crazies, you are turning into those psycho southern pageant moms. Sunscreen instead of spray tan but that's the only difference. You want a "boom chicka boom"? I've got one for you. "I said a sit down and shut up and have a little fun."
Monday, January 17, 2011
Interesting look at my relationship…. With my 7 year old.
I was thinking the other night, after another round of “I hate you’s”, not eating dinner, following me around the house and general cranky day in the life… that this was not the relationship I had bargained for. Was this normal? Was this going to pass? Was this the “most rewarding experience one could have in life” ? I thought I would check with some experts…
Frequently Sometimes Rarely Never
3 2 1 0
__3___ 1. Does your partner monitor your time and make you account for every minute (when you run errands, visit friends, commute to work, etc.)? (where were you? Why are you late? You ALWAYS go out)
___2__ 2. Does your partner accuse you of having affairs with others or act suspicious that you are? (affairs no… loving his sibling more… yes)
____2_ 3. Is your partner ever rude to your friends? (does interrupting count?)
___3__ 4. Does your partner ever discourage you from starting friendships with others? (that would just take more time away from him right?)
___0__ 5. Do you ever feel isolated and alone, as if there is no one close to confide in?
____3_ 6. Is your partner overly critical of daily things, such as your cooking, clothes, or appearance? (embarrassed is more like it)
___1__ 7. Does your partner demand a strict account of how you spend your money? (if there isn’t enough for him)
____3_ 8. Do your partner’s moods change radically, from very calm to very angry? (don’t they all?
___3__ 9. Is your partner disturbed by your working, or by the thought of you working? (more time away from home?)
___0__ 10. Does your partner become more easily angry if he/she drinks?
___0__ 11. Does your partner pressure you for sex more often than you’d like?
__0___ 12. Does your partner become angry if you don’t want to go along with his/her request for sex?
_0____ 13. Do you quarrel much about having children or raising them?
___0__ 14. Do you quarrel much about financial matters?
___3__ 15. Does your partner strike you with his/her hands or feet? (kicking me in bed, “accidently” hitting me)
___3__ 16. Does your partner ever strike you with an object?(nerf darts?)
____2_ 17. Does your partner ever threaten you with an object or weapon?(toy guns and nerf darts?)
__1___ 18. Has your partner ever threatened to kill either himself/herself or you? (I wish I was never born?, yeah that counts)
____1_ 19. Does your partner ever give you visible injuries (such as welts, bruises, cuts and/or lumps)?
____0_ 20. Have you ever had to treat any injury with first aid from his/her violence?
___1__ 21. Have you ever had to seek professional aid for an injury at a medical clinic, doctor’s office, or hospital emergency room? (I have tripped over numerous toys and bikes to twist an ankle or 2)
___0__ 22. Does your partner ever hurt you sexually or make you have intercourse against your will?
___2__ 23. Is your partner ever violent toward children? (his brother)
___1__ 24. Is your partner ever violent toward people outside of your home or family?
_2____ 25. Does your partner ever throw objects or break things when he/she is angry? (his stuffed animals regularly fly)
__0___ 26. Has your partner ever been in trouble with the police?
___0__ 27. Have you ever called the police or tried to call them because you or a family member were in danger?
___2__ 28. Does your partner put you down in front of others? (I am.. The worst mom ever)
__1___ 29. Does your partner injure your pets intentionally? (does jumping on them in the name of love count?)
Scoring your Answers:
0 – 14 Non-abusive relationship
15 - 36 Moderately Abusive
37 – 93 Seriously Abusive
94 or Above Dangerously Abusive
Now with all seriousness… this is tongue and cheek. My child is not a violent, abusive kid that is growing up to be a serial killer. He is a normal 7 year old with needs, and hormones and boundary pushing tendencies. I do think it is an interesting way to look at the relationship between parent and child though. Who else would put up with this crap? His future wife better thank me!
I was thinking the other night, after another round of “I hate you’s”, not eating dinner, following me around the house and general cranky day in the life… that this was not the relationship I had bargained for. Was this normal? Was this going to pass? Was this the “most rewarding experience one could have in life” ? I thought I would check with some experts…
Frequently Sometimes Rarely Never
3 2 1 0
__3___ 1. Does your partner monitor your time and make you account for every minute (when you run errands, visit friends, commute to work, etc.)? (where were you? Why are you late? You ALWAYS go out)
___2__ 2. Does your partner accuse you of having affairs with others or act suspicious that you are? (affairs no… loving his sibling more… yes)
____2_ 3. Is your partner ever rude to your friends? (does interrupting count?)
___3__ 4. Does your partner ever discourage you from starting friendships with others? (that would just take more time away from him right?)
___0__ 5. Do you ever feel isolated and alone, as if there is no one close to confide in?
____3_ 6. Is your partner overly critical of daily things, such as your cooking, clothes, or appearance? (embarrassed is more like it)
___1__ 7. Does your partner demand a strict account of how you spend your money? (if there isn’t enough for him)
____3_ 8. Do your partner’s moods change radically, from very calm to very angry? (don’t they all?
___3__ 9. Is your partner disturbed by your working, or by the thought of you working? (more time away from home?)
___0__ 10. Does your partner become more easily angry if he/she drinks?
___0__ 11. Does your partner pressure you for sex more often than you’d like?
__0___ 12. Does your partner become angry if you don’t want to go along with his/her request for sex?
_0____ 13. Do you quarrel much about having children or raising them?
___0__ 14. Do you quarrel much about financial matters?
___3__ 15. Does your partner strike you with his/her hands or feet? (kicking me in bed, “accidently” hitting me)
___3__ 16. Does your partner ever strike you with an object?(nerf darts?)
____2_ 17. Does your partner ever threaten you with an object or weapon?(toy guns and nerf darts?)
__1___ 18. Has your partner ever threatened to kill either himself/herself or you? (I wish I was never born?, yeah that counts)
____1_ 19. Does your partner ever give you visible injuries (such as welts, bruises, cuts and/or lumps)?
____0_ 20. Have you ever had to treat any injury with first aid from his/her violence?
___1__ 21. Have you ever had to seek professional aid for an injury at a medical clinic, doctor’s office, or hospital emergency room? (I have tripped over numerous toys and bikes to twist an ankle or 2)
___0__ 22. Does your partner ever hurt you sexually or make you have intercourse against your will?
___2__ 23. Is your partner ever violent toward children? (his brother)
___1__ 24. Is your partner ever violent toward people outside of your home or family?
_2____ 25. Does your partner ever throw objects or break things when he/she is angry? (his stuffed animals regularly fly)
__0___ 26. Has your partner ever been in trouble with the police?
___0__ 27. Have you ever called the police or tried to call them because you or a family member were in danger?
___2__ 28. Does your partner put you down in front of others? (I am.. The worst mom ever)
__1___ 29. Does your partner injure your pets intentionally? (does jumping on them in the name of love count?)
Scoring your Answers:
0 – 14 Non-abusive relationship
15 - 36 Moderately Abusive
37 – 93 Seriously Abusive
94 or Above Dangerously Abusive
Now with all seriousness… this is tongue and cheek. My child is not a violent, abusive kid that is growing up to be a serial killer. He is a normal 7 year old with needs, and hormones and boundary pushing tendencies. I do think it is an interesting way to look at the relationship between parent and child though. Who else would put up with this crap? His future wife better thank me!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
things proven wrong in 2010
1. I only need 1 pair of mudders for running.
2. The value of a baby tooth will remain stagnant.
3. I am not going grey.
4. I can still get carded at Target.
5. The hills have gotten easier.
6. Night sweats don't bother me.
7. I will not turn into my mother.
8. A tranny can NOT fall in love with an elf ***more on that later.
9. I don't need a strong core.
10. I will NEVER change my mind about my hatred for jeggins.
11. Maybe I'll try a triathlon this year.
12. I will never run out of things to say.
13. If you eat 1,000 calories of dessert all at once it is impossible for them to stick and make you gain weight.
14. If you drink 1,000 calories of alcohol all at once it is impossible for it all to stick and make you gain weight.
15. "That's what she said" is just not funny.
2. The value of a baby tooth will remain stagnant.
3. I am not going grey.
4. I can still get carded at Target.
5. The hills have gotten easier.
6. Night sweats don't bother me.
7. I will not turn into my mother.
8. A tranny can NOT fall in love with an elf ***more on that later.
9. I don't need a strong core.
10. I will NEVER change my mind about my hatred for jeggins.
11. Maybe I'll try a triathlon this year.
12. I will never run out of things to say.
13. If you eat 1,000 calories of dessert all at once it is impossible for them to stick and make you gain weight.
14. If you drink 1,000 calories of alcohol all at once it is impossible for it all to stick and make you gain weight.
15. "That's what she said" is just not funny.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
learned today
a few things i have learned today...
sometimes a cold is just a cold
even my dog gets cranky when we don't run
nerf darts hurt when they hit your face
1 truffle in my hand is not worth 2 in the bowl
10 girl push ups = 4 boy push ups
sometimes a run doesn't solve everything...
but most of the time it does :)
sometimes a cold is just a cold
even my dog gets cranky when we don't run
nerf darts hurt when they hit your face
1 truffle in my hand is not worth 2 in the bowl
10 girl push ups = 4 boy push ups
sometimes a run doesn't solve everything...
but most of the time it does :)
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