suburbs

sometimes I think i am old enough to know better. I shouldn't make the same mistakes at 38 as i did at 28. Like, I know skinny jeans are not for me. Truly, are they for anyone? And if I know that, shouldn't i in turn, know that I am too old to do tequila shots one night and expect to get up with any grace at all the next morning?

At what age does immaturity turn into senility? When does bad judgement turn from innocent mistake to losing ones mind? At 28 sleeping with the wrong guy is expected. At 38 it is a made for t.v show with the word "cougar" in the title. I think a lot of us are in a grey area here. I feel like I am in my 20's but my actions should reflect 30's. My thoughts feel age appropriate (except for the crush on Zach Efron), yet my memory serves me as a 70 year old. Yes, I have called the kids by the dogs name but, you know what, my friends still know who I mean!

I never wanted 40 to be the new 30. I wanted to know when I could let it all go and wear a mu mu around town. maybe even slippers. but I have been becoming startlingly aware that behavior has nothing to do with age, experience or wisdom, it has to do with fear. Fear of what everyone may think, or say, or do. Fear of what you see in the mirror, fear of what your kids may repeat to strangers, or worse yet, your friends.

The only time I am not afraid is if i am running, or under water in the ocean off of Hawaii. How sad is that? I am a grown woman and any sort of interactive life scares me to death. Maybe senility would be a blessing, I wouldn't realize I was afraid and i could just be free to wear mu mu's and slippers everyday, not just Halloween.

Forget the age of enlightenment, I am going straight to the age of "i don't give a fuck" and when I get there, I may arrive in skinny jeans. Even if I am a wee bit senile, you can bet my smile will be one of inner peace and mockery, for I will realize that i am not 1/2 as insane as life in the suburbs.