comfort of strangers

Have you ever noticed that becoming a mother, and known to everyone, makes you drawn to becoming a no one and finding comfort in strangers?

I started writing these little blips to keep me sane. I would write with no abandon because no one was looking (kind of like wearing a bikini at 40.) I found some of them funny and so did a few other people. Well, I think I have gotten off track. I wrote something for some friends a few weeks ago and now I have lost the private excitement of strangers. The accolades from people I know I find condescending, the comments from anonymous readers I find inspiring.

It is something that happened with motherhood. I used to turn to my friends for help and clarity but, the minute #1 was born, all of the sudden my friends weren't good enough, or at least I certainly wasn't going to look stupid in front of them and ask for help. So where do we all end up? Chat rooms, websites, the self help isle at Barnes and Noble?! I for one, am tired of it. A good, 17 year old girl cry, between friends just doesn't seem to work as well when you are 38. I am not sure if my best motherhood friend even knows how much I want to run away from this job. But, I do know that Carrie L. from Des Moines, Iowa does. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel the need to hide my weakest points from my strongest friends?

I am tired of pretending I am not neurotic at times with the kids, with myself. I am tired of trying to be everything to everybody and making all the moms like me. Yes, I am talking to you, lady in the boots that always reminds me of how much money you make. Oh, and you, to her left, the one that won't admit she has Botox but talks about how great her skin looks at 40. And no, I didn't forget you Mrs. Howard, the queen of the back handed compliment ( i am only brave enough to call her out by name because she doesn't know how to use a computer).

Yes, I want you all to like me, but maybe you should like me for who I am, not who I am pretending to be on any given day. Seriously, I think I am going back to writing for myself and saying what I need to say, not what you want me to say. So, if I offend you by name or social stereotype than send me a snarky email, anonymous please, I think I just like it better that way.