good enough

Does it make me a slacker if I just want to be "good enough"? I don't want to be PTA president, I don't want to do fundraisers, I want to buy out of the boyscout work option and go climbing instead. I want my kids to be happy, healthy and well adjusted. Does that mean I have to be happy, healthy and well adjusted? I hope not. Happy, sure. Healthy? I try. Well adjusted? Not even in the ball park. Sometimes I am sure that I am the only one dreading another day of motherhood. I go running not just for my health but for an escape, I can pretend I am the world's best runner and no one will be any wiser. Try and pretend I'm the world's best mom and I am shut down before breakfast.

So here is my confession.... my boys don't bathe every day, sometimes they have toaster waffles for breakfast, they will go to school in dirty sweatshirts and don't care if the socks have been worn twice before. I make up excuses as to why I can't do PTA things, I can't say "no", really, I can't. I don't mind when I smell after a run and mocking others sometimes makes me feel better about myself.

Wow! I feel great, maybe that is what will make me the perfect mom.. deciding that "good enough" is really as good as it gets, and to me, that sounds like "perfect".

inner thoughts

note to self, and others....

do not approach a wandering dog on a hot ass day to help it, regardless of collar and sweet disposition... it will bite you. (little fucker, it still hurts too.)

just because your dog is friendly off leash does not mean mine is while obeying the "on leash" laws...

a turkey in the bushes can sound EXACTLY like a mountain lion running to eat you, i can only assume the reverse is also true.

drinking margaritas the day before you are supposed to donate blood does not help your iron levels, even if the drinks were in a metal thermos.

being called a "loser" by an anonymous 5 year old hurts.

you are never the "cool parent" so please stop trying, it hurts me to look at you.

busboy meets main dish (another mountain lion encounter)

So, remember how I thought it was SO cool that I found the deer leg and kept running anyway? Well, I am not. Because yesterday, my friend, saw the mountain lion! Yup, and the mountain lion saw her, she swears he licked his lips. He was probably 25 yards away. She spotted him, he crouched down, tail high in the air, eyes locked on her. She grabbed 2 rocks, held them above her head and ran backwards from where she came. Neither broke gaze until she was safely( i am using that term loosely from now on) back outside the gate. Now, I am impressed. I like to think I would be that cool and calm but, truth be told, most of my runs back on the trails, I am too busy looking at me feet to see the hungry lion lurking in the pastures. I am too concerned with falling on my face or finding the right song on my ipod that I would not even see or hear my death approaching.

I think my only way to solve this new problem is to find new running friends, ones I don't like very much so that we don't spend an hour laughing when we could be astutely listening for a predator. Or maybe some that are at least slower than myself so I can out-run them when the need arises?

Either way, the next day, when we were running together, re-telling the story of the mountain lion encounter, from around a corner, a huge, blue eyed, black beast came sprinting around the corner, we screamed like it was the Chupacabra coming for our souls instead of the furry, face licking dog that it was. I then realized, like our Fido here, maybe it wasn't a mountain lion she saw after all, maybe it was just a fox playing with a field mouse. Yup, that must be it, I'm going out there again tomorrow!

invincibility

They say you deliver the baby, the placenta, then your heart on your sleeve. Okay, I get that, never had a reason to question it or look any further into what may fall out next but, with a 6 and 8 year old, I have found something new which has been reborn.... my invincible side. Not the "Drink wine coolers and ice block on the golf course" invincible side but the, "so what if there have been mountain lion sightings on this trail, i need a run" sort of invincibility.


I was out running yesterday in an ipod induced cadence when I stopped in my tracks. There, on the trail in front of me, was a deer leg. Not a hoof print, or a bone... a leg. No head or body, just a leg. The splintered bone, hair and hoof. Testing my fear factor relentlessly. I looked around, no fresh blood, didn't smell too bad, I figure it must have happened a long time ago and was pretty safe to go on so... I kept running. UH-HUH, just decided to keep going further into the woods to see if I could be dessert.

Now, this seemed logical to me. What are the chances of being eaten by a mountain lion? I had a great run out and was on my way back when I realized what I was gambling on. Odds that I'd get eaten? I mean, I have 2 kids shouldn't I just make sure I am no where being eaten is an option? I forget sometimes that life isn't fair and that bad things happen to good people but, does that mean i have to run on a well lit treadmill in a gym with security guards all the time? i hope not. I picked the leg up to finish my run home...I thought my boys would think it was cool. About 1/4 mile later I figured, why temp fate and lure the sleeping lion down the trail to follow the stolen scent? (I hid it in the bushes to show the kids later) I made it home, Purelled my hands and called all my running girlfriends to warn them not to run alone. Of course you'll find me out there tomorrow but this time I am definitely bringing the dog. I may not be quick, but I do learn.

The church of girlfriends hiking

I have found my religion. I know it will sound strange and kooky and down right crystal-esque but the mountains are my sanctuary. I went to Yosemite this weekend with my girlfriends and I found God.

There is no other explanation for climbing a granite monolith in 5 hours with 3 of your best friends than divine intervention. There is no description worthy for looking out over the valley floor, from the top of Half Dome, and realizing how minute my problems and complaints really are. PTA? The hell with them, I just climbed a granite staircase that someone carved out about 150 years ago. Junior League? Who cares, I just scaled a rock that is 8,842 feet above most of my thoughts. How could one not be grateful for a body, and mind, that can do that?

high points?: my 3 friends laughing, Denise's bear bell (it worked, we weren't eaten), a group of, my now favorite, flamboyent boys who sang "happy birthday" to me and it being captured on video! Diving into an icy lake above the falls in my clothes(my motherly disclaimer: do not try this at home or in spring...) peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the crazy looks i got for running on the way down and definitely the pizza and beer at the end.

low points: Getting busted by Edie our friendly (?) chainsmoking chambermaid for leaving the food storage locker open for 3.5 seconds, exercise induced asthma, the feeling in my legs after hiking 18 miles in record time, and leaving...

You know, come to think of it, there really were no low points. Edie turned out to be a wealth of information and one hell of a photographer. The asthma came under control and we all made it to the top together. The feeling in my legs just goes to prove I am still alive, and gratefully so! Even coming home meant I got to see the kids, and those hugs just have to be the best.

Thank you Christi, Denise and Mari for keeping me laughing and finding my religion, maybe it's not in the mountains, maybe it is in my friends...

running or dreaming?

Today, a friend of mine thoughtfully pointed out that the act of running produces much of the same effects as a nightmare... alone, in the dark, sweating, heart racing... I found this to be the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. It is true for many, my dream of running is a nightmare. He reminded me that, not long ago, all of those things would signal a "save your life, run away" reaction. So what is it exactly that I am fleeing from? My kids? sure. The monotony of life? Of course. So what brings me back, repeatedly? Most days, I choose to get up before the crack of dawn and drive my body into a sweaty, heart pumping, legs aching, exhausted state. When I return home my heart is still racing, i am dripping in sweat, and it is usually still dark. Maybe I should try and figure that out tomorrow morning... for now, when the kids wake up with a nightmare, I'll just tell them everything is okay... they were just going for a run.

spread too thin

I wish I was talking about my thighs but alas, I am not. I am talking about the schedules we put ourselves on...
6:30 wake-up/make coffee - (okay more like 6:55 after i hit the snooze 3x)
7:00 get kids up and dressed and fed and clothed and backpacked and lunched.
7:45 get kids to school, wait around while said kids get into the right classes, teachers, office stops, lost and founds.
8:20-make phone calls to friends because God knows it is the only chance i will get to talk all day.
8:30 hit the trails for a run.
9:30 come home to shower, Safeway does NOT need to smell me this way.
9:45 check my email and drink the coffee i have long forgotten about but now truly need.
10:00 try to send non-snarky replies to emails from PTA's, MEF's, MJWC's (you get the picture)
11:00 go grocery shopping, oh the monotony could kill me.
11:45 pick up kindergartner.
12:15 lunch with above mentioned cranky devil (kindergartner)
1:00 play stuffed animals or other game which i need to use my brain to not set off a particularly edgy 5 year old.
1:45 pick up 2nd grader.
2:15 snack and t.v
3ish homework and swimming or bike riding or skateboarding... something outside!
4ish husband home and mad because the house is a mess. (it really is but seriously... mad?)
5ish start dinner and ignore fighting kids.
6ish eat dinner and ignore fighting kids.
7 re-check email for bitter responses.
7:30 thank god, bed and books.
8:30 trashy television and if i am lucky some writing.

this is my choice of schedule, i am sure i can tweak it one way or another but for the most part it works... accept for the 3 meetings i have missed this week, 2 forgotten lunches and one back to school fiasco. i am spread too thin and something has got to give, i think it's going to be the cranky husband!