i am not alone

it has officially happened. I am not unique. I was sitting on the beach trying not to yell at my youngest for the 100th time that day and it happened. At first it wasn't clear, just faint voices in the background, then there was no mistaking it. I heard my own conversation, not my voice, other mothers, all over the beach..." Hunter, If you don't get back here right now.... I don't know who you think you are Mister... Fine Molly, if you want to get a sunburn...." I couldn't believe it, all the arguements that I thought were just mine alone actually belong to other people out there. and guess what? their arguements didn't end any better than mine did! Hunter ran off, Mister thought he was the center of the universe and Molly got the sunburn she was asking for. Their lives were just as miserable as mine for that brief minute. And you know what? It felt great. I looked at my boys who were not fighting at that EXACT moment and I thought.. "damn, i'm good, they aren't so bad, it could be worse, I could have those 2 daughters fighting down the way" I resolved to stop yelling and enjoy their youthful energy, that is until a sand castle got kicked over and I distinctly heard the word "butthead" uttered. Then, I saw the other mothers breathe a sigh of relief as I started in on yet another verse of, "If I have to tell you one more time..."

a runners birthday

I have a new plan. For my next birthday I want to go running with 2 of my friends. Not a regular run, a 3 day triangulated run, with wine involved. I want to find 3 towns about 10 miles apart, in a triangle pattern. i want to park at one, run with a little backpack to another. I want to check into a hotel where we will shower and meander the town, having dinner and drinking wine while our running clothes are drying in the sink. I want to stay up late laughing and go to sleep full. The next day we can have breakfast, put on our now clean running clothes and make our way to the next town. Sound familiar yet? We would shower and eat and laugh and drink and go to sleep happy and full again. Upon waking on the 3rd day we would be a little bit slower, a little sad that the adventure had ended. Our running clothes would be a little less fresh and our jokes a little more stale. As we made our way back to our car and eventually back to our mothering lives, we would be full again. Full of pride and excitement and stories to tell. Is this too much to ask for a birthday? Now, all I need is the 2 friends... :)

running partner

Let me start by saying, I hate my dog. On a day to day basis, more like minute to minute, I hate my dog. She is the WORST dog in the world. She barks, she doesn't listen, she begs all day for food. I know it's not her fault, we flunked out of puppy school. She had some hard shoes to fill since I used to have the BEST dog in the world. I know, there is pressure. And pressure never does anyone any good. I learned the best way to relieve the pressure was to take her running. And that is what we have done, we have logged hundreds of miles, up hills, over streams, through the woods. Thousands of ticks later and she is still not tired. On the pavement, town to town and back again, foxtails and poison oak, she is still not tired. Horses to look at, Cow piles to eat and turkeys to chase, nope, not tired yet. But what I just realized today is, I am tired. And when I am tired I don't feel the pressure and I am not stressed and she no longer seems to be the worst dog in the world. Holy Crap, it wasn't her at all, it was me.... all along, it was me. Sorry puppy, here's a treat. Wanna go for a run?

i'm a fraud

I just realized that I may very well be a fraud. I am petrified that one of the runners in my life will find out i am not a "real" runner and then what will happen? what if one of the mom's from school realizes i am not all that great a mother? that is a lot of pressure.
I put in for the new york marathon lottery (again) and part of the form asks you what your last marathon time of the previous year is. holy crap, what a way to realize that a year has past and i haven't done one! what does that make me, a slacking runner? unmotivated? maybe, but i can live with it until it stares back at me from an entry form. none of my "mother" friends know what i am sacrificing to be in art class on a wednesday morning. they don't see the look of shame from my computer's face, judging my lack of commitment to the trail. they just see a good stay at home mom. but honestly, i am not. i am not good at staying at home. i am good at running from home, but according to the ING marathon form, I am not good at that either. maybe a better question would be... how long have you been THINKING about applying for this race? Have you been counting the hours, are you committed enough to give us your credit card? if the answer to the question is "yes" than feel free to skip the section that makes you feel like a fraud, running or not, someone, one day will figure out i am nothing i claim to be. except, i do plan on running about a 4:30 marathon, i'll hit the trails tomorrow, art class not withstanding.

i quit

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and guess what? I quit. That is what I want for the day. I want to wake up at 11, for the 1st time mind you, not the 3rd. I want to feel a little bit hung over and call a girlfriend to go get a greasy breakfast at a hip neighborhood joint that I have to wait in line for, but it doesn't matter if we wait because frankly I will have nothing else to do. I will get endless refills on coffee, make fun of those around me, standing in judgement because I am not trying to set a good example for anybody. I will use lots of syrup and not Purell my hands. I will decide, at the last minute, to take the dog for a walk, or go to the beach, or have a bloody mary. I will come home and go back to bed. I will wait for the phone to ring with an exciting offer of something to do and then, without asking anyone, I will decide if I want to do it, and not pack snacks when I leave. I think I'll have a beer at 3. Not wine with dinner. I will 2nd hand smoke with no abandon and shamelessly go to sleep without brushing my teeth. I will have sex early in the evening without wondering who may wake up. I will sleep through the night and, in the morning, I will be woken at 6 and realize the previous day was not worth it. why? you may ask, because for better or for worse (most days the better), it's not my life anymore and revisiting it sometimes just makes me homesick. So Happy Mother's Day girls, maybe I'll quit next week...