Better than the Safeway guy

I live in a town where everyone thinks they are better than the Safeway guy. You know, the one that scans your tampons? The superior housewife whose skills are limited to the tennis court, the husband who knows where the wine isle is but won't admit that's where he buys it.

My Safeway is amazing! We have a sushi bar, we have a huge organic isle, lactose/hormone/dairy free everything. Our butcher, yes, I said butcher, actually knows how to cut meat. Our bakery makes bagels, which, dare I say, are good.

My Safeway has clean floors, a produce guy that knows how to pick a peach, a bag boy that will help you to you car and a service desk that will take returned cheese because it went bad before it's time.

My Safeway has customers that are embarrassed to be seen there because it is not Whole Foods. They actually complain to the headquarters when the store has run out of their brand of Greek yogurt. There have been town meetings dedicated to discussing the isle size at Safeway because the kiddie carts were too hard to steer. There have been whole dinner party conversations regarding the deli counter workers who don't kiss the patrons ass.

I went for a run yesterday and saw my favorite Safeway checker... He was having espresso at the local coffee shop, conversing in Italian (1 of the 5 languages he knows) and recounting the last marathon he ran in under 3 hours.

We have an air of superiority that is undeserved. I can't tell you the last time I busted out my broken high school french or even dreamed of a run so fast. I can however pick out one hell of a peach, thanks to Sam.

I hope all the Safeway workers get together and laugh at their patrons, me included. Take your own bags to the car, learn to navigate a cart or try a different brand of yogurt for 1 week. Fucking say "Thank you" and kiss their ass! We are lucky as hell to not be shopping at the dented can food warehouse.

stop the insanity

No seriously.... stop it. You know who you are, you can't see me because your cars are covered in paint this time of year, you can't hear me because your excessive cheering has burst an eardrum... yes, i know, you "said a boom chicka boom". You can't feel me because you are strapped inside your big ass suburban weighted down with a 50 lb cut out of a plywood shark on the roof rack. Now do you know who you are? Yes, the "recreational" summer swim team parent... please come over so we can talk.

Let's call this a "team meeting" shall we, put you all at ease, I'll even teach you a cheer so you aren't left out of your kids experience. Please make sure you bring your wallet, these thoughts aren't free and if you are willing to pay 35 bucks to put feathers in your child's hair at a meet then you can at least buy me a cup of coffee.

We'll do it this way, everyone stand up. If I say anything that does not pertain to you, you may leave the room, I will stop talking when no one is left.

1... You are swimming on a recreational summer swim team, please relax. If you want your kid to have a lollipop don't make him "pop his time" for it. That is just wrong. Drop 50 cents on a Blow Pop.

2... No, a new 80 dollar high-tech suit will not make your 6 year old fly, as a matter of fact, he shouldn't even know fly, he is 6, he should still be eating flies.

3... If your child cannot read, he should not know what the letters H and L stand for when written on his hand in Sharpie. He should also not ask the timer for his time, have a temper tantrum or watch his parent have one if he didn't swim faster than last time.

4... I am so glad your child swam a fast race and was THIS close to an "A" time. But, she is 8 and if you put her in private lessons the week before her last meet to speed her up you are just asking for a bulimic perfectionist in a few years. Buy her a donut and call it a day.

5... Please don't bribe your child to swim in a meet when she is 7 and has no interest. And really, an IPad? She can use it to find a therapist because you are just crazy.

6... A swim meet is a place to swim, cheer, and have fun, team spirit is awesome for the kids. Parents yelling out "Beat lane 5" is not the attitude we are shooting for.

7... Since when do ribbons go to the color puce and place 64? Blue, red, white.. that's what I remember... we are not all good at everything, not at 9 or 39.

8... Your child is there to swim and have fun, there is really no need for all of your electronic devices from home. Can't hunter wait 3 hours to play his DS? Can't Riley play with her friends instead of getting henna tattoos in the parking lot?

9... Please don't relive your aquatic career, or lack thereof, through your child. I know you swam at UCLA, now that there is Google I also know you sucked so, quit trying to play it off.

10... Don't make your kids swim 6 other months out of the year just to cut them off so they can still be eligible for summer league. You are fooling no one. We know they are not that naturally talented or improved over last year and that the effort cost you thousands. And please don't do this if you don't have the money to donate to the school system either, that just pisses me off.

11.. Is anyone still here? why yes, quite a few of you actually... okay, then can we talk about the shaving down of a 7 year old boy?

12... You know what? Let's just say this, all my west coast crazies, you are turning into those psycho southern pageant moms. Sunscreen instead of spray tan but that's the only difference. You want a "boom chicka boom"? I've got one for you. "I said a sit down and shut up and have a little fun."